Yes I'm horny, but it's more than that. I feel overwhelmed in the best and worst ways these days and I need...relief. I don't need a relationship right now, but I still want intimacy and sex. The difficult part is understanding and navigating how either of these exist without each other in the context of a romantic relationship since that's all I've experience. I've been watching alot of Shan Boody videos recently and in addition to learning to be more kind to myself in regards to sex, I feel empowered.
I don't want to be in a relationship to have great sex, and it's also okay if I want both when the time is right. Being satisfied from any sexual experience is about knowing what you like, and this is my time to learn my body for me. I want to continue having great, explorative, and safe sex no matter who I'm with...so who better to start with than myself?
Buying my first sex toy was as spur of the moment as losing my virginity was. I'd look at them in passing on Adam and Eve or while on a frisky couple's trip to Adult Mart, but never purchased anything because I always had the real thing readily available. Throwing caution to the wind, I searched sex toys on amazon and was overwhelmed. Despite looking like it would suck my clit off and a terrible color, Adorime's Clitoral Sucking Vibrator was recommended to me by a friend and rechargeable so I bought it.
As I placed the order and looked at my reflection in my phone screen trying to figure out what my life had become, one of the things I decided to continue to feel was...empowered. There was a point in time when I didn't feel comfortable being touched, almost detached from sex because of childhood trauma. Now I can now say I've had great sex with a person I love on my own terms, and now being able to take lead on a healthier relationship with my own body is amazing.
The toy came the next day and so did I (twice). It was good, but this will not be all I have for the rest of my life. Do I need more practice? Is this the wrong toy for me? I'm excited to figure out everything in time. I'm proud of my partnered sex life so far, I can't wait to grow just as confident in experiences with myself. There's not a right or wrong way to enjoy pleasure, but I'm interested in understanding my preference of being with a partner. I miss romantic intimacy more than anything, but I can't imagine being that close with someone again anytime soon. There's a reason we have sex the way we do, being in touch with myself is the beginning of my attempt to differentiate sex and intimacy before I start anything with someone else, mostly because I cant afford not to.
Comment below with your favorite form of self intimacy! Like and share with someone probably beating their meat right now :)