Daddy,
I love you. Thank you for being the best you knew how to be. I'll never know your honest opinion on the job you did in helping raise us, but Hermy and I were the best things you and Mommy did together. Looking back on our relationship, for years we had a habit of spending just enough time together. As our relationship became less fragile, I was grateful for the moments that gave us more time together. Every car ride, doctor's appointment, dinner, phone call, video chat, text, and hug was just another way we learned to take care of each other over the years.
For better and worse, our relationship is the most honest of my life. My only regret is that I'll have to imagine how the rest of it goes. I love our last chapter because each page we turned together led to a better understanding of each other as people. I miss my Father, but I miss my Friend too.
The temper we share gets the best of me each time I start to call you and remember you can't pick up the phone. I still remember the feeling of your hand in mine, hearing the subtle roar of your laughter as we watched shows (and you smacking your food) during dinner, and I will never forget the firm tone in your voice when you'd call after I forgot to text you that I made it home safely. I'm still working hard on becoming the best parts of you, but I'm keeping the stubbornness so you recognize me when we see each other again.
On the bright side, I'm excited to have a reason to be 10x harder on guys now. I know you thought no one was good enough for me, but the last guy I told you about felt pretty close. You'd be happy to know I'm most focused on adjusting to this new normal and participating in life again. Being able to give Hermy the car from you for his 21st birthday was the first good feeling I felt in a sea of cloudy days. The photos and videos from your many travels made me brave enough to plan a few of my own this Summer!
Your 70 years were too whole for me to just be sad that you're gone. I'm celebratory of the life and career you made for yourself and shared with others. I'm proud of your fighting spirit in sickness and health. Lastly, I'm more understanding of the fact that I can't squander this chance to take care of myself now.
From Tommy Hilfiger jackets and Nike...everything, there's no doubt that your subtle flex-casual style was the catalyst for mine. Putting these looks together was the first time since you passed that I didn't hesitate with what to wear. Rummaging through your closet felt like my own, finding some pieces with memories to them and too many that still had tags.
Wearing your clothes is exactly what it feels like to be passed the baton of your legacy. When following in your footsteps seems impossible, I'm reminded that the shoes that look too big to fill are actually just my size. Summer has always felt full of endless possibilities, so I'm thankful that right now it feels possible to get through losing you. See ya later alligator, be good. I love you.
Love,
Nicole
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